Six Tips for Redirecting Highly Charged Conversations

Let us imagine a scene when we are a part of some tough and highly charged conversation.Whether we react, or slam the door or handle it tactfully ?

Here is a short but very meaningful article by Jamie S. Walters on the subject.

Hope you all will like it.


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Almost everyone, at some point, has found him or herself in a conversation that takes an unfortunate adversarial turn. Whether one of the conversation participants is stressed and has "a short fuse," or begins to forcefully protect a belief that seems to have been threatened, the conversation takes on a heated, and decidedly uncomfortable and unproductive, tone. In facilitated meetings, different opinions and conflicting beliefs are more easily navigated, thanks to meeting ground rules and skillful facilitation. But what about your average workday conversations that have neither specific agendas nor third-party facilitators? When someone "goes off" into an attack or diatribe, it can seem frightening, embarrassing, and unpredictable.

In some cases, the aggressor is simply having a "short-fuse" moment, but in other cases he or she might be purposely trying to shut down conversation by using hostile -communication tactics such as attacking, name-calling, blaming, or using forceful body language, tone and wording. Being caught off-guard by a conversation that becomes super-heated often produces one of three outcomes: both parties react to the "hot buttons" and become agitated and confrontational (or just unskillful); or one party simply backs down and shuts up, which can lead to resentment and jeopardized relationships; or a hybrid of both. There are several tactics that can be pulled, as needed, from your "interpersonal-communication skills toolbox," so that a heated dialogue can be self-facilitated or cooled off to allow for a more productive, less harmful interaction. And remember: these tactics are for heated and conflict-prone conversations, not hostile situations which threaten bodily harm (in which cases, fleeing to safety is probably the best tactic!). For other heated conversations, though, the following tactics offer pathways to more productive dialogue:

1. Stay aware and centered


In some cases, the aggressor is simply having a "short-fuse" moment, but in other cases he or she might be purposely trying to shut down conversation by using hostile -communication tactics such as attacking, name-calling, blaming, or using forceful body language, tone and wording.

Being caught off-guard by a conversation that becomes super-heated often produces one of three outcomes: both parties react to the "hot buttons" and become agitated and confrontational (or just unskillful); or one party simply backs down and shuts up, which can lead to resentment and jeopardized relationships; or a hybrid of both.

There are several tactics that can be pulled, as needed, from your "interpersonal-communication skills toolbox," so that a heated dialogue can be self-facilitated or cooled off to allow for a more productive, less harmful interaction.
And remember: these tactics are for heated and conflict-prone conversations, not hostile situations which threaten bodily harm (in which cases, fleeing to safety is probably the best tactic!). For other heated conversations, though, the following tactics offer pathways to more productive dialogue:

2) Respond, don't react

Always a good interpersonal rule, choosing to respond rather than react is to remember that we can be conscious, civil, gracious, and calm in our communications even when someone else chooses quite differently. We might choose to say nothing at all for a moment, preferring instead to listen rather than to interrupt with a "yeah, but..." or other type of reaction. In responding, we choose to listen, to inquire, and to resist our own desire to defend a position, belief, or comment. We also release our need to be right, realizing that it is sometimes the only route to a more productive dialogue (or at least one that doesn't escalate into a screaming match).

3)Inquire and validate

Another potential interpersonal tactic in the face of someone's heated reaction is to inquire and validate the intentions, beliefs, concerns, etc. that are "behind" the heated words. For example, one inquiry might be, "It sounds like we've really hit on something that's very important to you. What's most important to you about this?" The person may or may not respond, but the inquiry breaks the escalation in the "conversational thermostat" and offers an opportunity for dialogue. A potential follow-up question, if needed, is, "What's most concerning to you about this?" Once the concerns or "prized positions" behind the defensive (or aggressive) conversation are revealed, you can validate the person's right to think, feel, or hold those concerns or priorities. And then you can reorient the conversation back to the primary intentions or priorities.

A primary challenge when someone seems to be bowling you over with a caustic reaction (or even a verbal/energetic attack) is to stay fully present and centered, so that you can make good choices regarding how to respond. Staying aware and centered is like an internal conversation, where we say to ourselves, "Gosh, this seems to be an overreaction, and I don't want to go there," and then plant our feet and take a breath and go into "deep listening" mode. The opposite of staying aware and centered? Letting the force of the other person's heated communication send us into "fight or flight," where we tend to shut down and flee, or shoot off an unskillful reaction that only fuels the fire.

4) State your intention

Once the pattern of verbal escalation has been broken (by inquiry and validation, for example), you can begin to reorient the conversation to either a relatively pleasant close (even if temporarily) or shift the focus to the more important priorities of the conversation. One way to reorient is to state your positive intention for the conversation or interaction, e.g. "My intention for the conversation isn't for us to end up in a screaming match, but to calmly and respectfully exchange ideas so that we can make a decision on this project." Stating your intention -- a positive one -- can also serve as one way to break the pattern of escalation to allow for a slight "cooling off."

5) Redirect or reschedule

If you're unable to redirect the conversation back to a more productive course, it may be best to state your intention for a positive, productive conversation and suggest that "this conversation seems to be getting too heated for us to do that, so maybe we should allow for some cooling off and revisit the issue later." It may well be that this tactic, too, acts as a pattern-breaker, or it might simply allow the postponing of the conversation.

6) State your appreciation for the interaction

Regardless which outcome occurs for any particular conversation, it's good form -- and skillful communication -- to express your gratitude and appreciation for the person's time, honesty, willingness to redirect, etc. Doing so allows an open door for continued dialogue.

TWEAKING THE NOSE OF FAILURE

Sometimes, life may hit you on the head with a brick. But there are those 'hard-headed' people, who are just brick-resistant. So, if you are happy in your skin and love what you do, nothing can stop you, believes Kunal Guha.

He dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months. He didn't have a dorm room, so he slept on the floor in friend's rooms and returned coke bottles to buy food. But he didn't give up and gave in to his fascination which led him to calligraphy classes which helped him later while he was designing the first Macintosh computer . Ten years of toiling , took the garage venture to become a $2 billion company with 4000 employees. Nothing could fall apart after that, right? Think again. He got fired from the company he started himself at the age of 30, because of divergent visions with the board.The man was none other than Steve Jobs. Getting fired from Apple was one of the biggest public failures for global business case books. But as Jobs believes, "Getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life. Five years after being fired from Apple , I started a company named NeXT and another company named Pixar. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance ." This story tells us that if you've found what you love to do, you shouldn't let any form of setback pull you down. You will find below similar stories of dreamers who've hopped all odds and yes, tweaked the nose of failure.

THE TEST OF GREY

Nirvik Singh, President South East Asia and Chairman, South Asia of Grey Worldwide, a strong believer of 'from failure comes success and strength' , remembers, "The year was 1997. Ravi Gupta (the founderchairman of the then Trikaya Grey) had just passed away. From a well-defined path of growth and grooming, I was suddenly thrown into the pilot's seat and asked to take charge of the agency. The overall economic mood in Asia was recessive, and the mood within was no better !

" I found myself... dealing with senior management scepticism within and clients questioning our capabilities, instead of charting a path of profitability for the agency when we were burdened with financial instabilities. Adding to all, the agency was also moving from a Trikaya to a Grey management, which brought about many cultural changes and reservations. I believe my best skills came to their fore... in the face of these adversities . I always thought I was here for my advertising capabilities . But in the face of pending failure, I discovered a leadership style in me that brought out not just the best in me when the need arose, but I was able to draw out a wealth of latent talent that existed in people around me. The one thing I learnt... was that however grim the situation, never show it to the people who are looking to you to lead them and especially those among them that you believe are going to be key and instrumental in helping you through the crisis .

NEVER SAY DIE

He braved two major blows- as two of his ventures had failed due to the negative labour environment . Yes, this is Mr. Never-Say-Die , Deepak Puri, Chairman and Managing Director, Moser Baer. I don't like the word failure... rather I use disappointment . I looked at the disappointments as hurdles, which have to be jumped and cleared. Also, it is a great help that you have a strong family support backing your decision; especially my wife has been very supportive during those tough times. There were a lot of learnings... from my previous disappointments . One of the key learnings was the importance of people, IR and HR in business. I am proud to say that in over 20 plus years of Moser Baer's history, we have never had any labour related issues. I think that one of the important facets of an entrepreneur is that he is always open to learning and not just learning from disappointments .

BRAVING SWEETS

He was full of energy and enthusiasm, having freshly graduated from SIBM. He had a burning desire to do something different. But being different doesn't always spell success. Yes! We are talking about our vada pav maverick - Dheeraj Gupta. His previous vision was to brand Indian sweets like kaju katri, rasgullas and gulab jamuns . His dream failed to gain market acceptance. But he bounced back with Jumbo King Vada Pav, with the knowledge that he has to score from the first ball itself. Branding Indian sweets... meant going against the grain. Mithai was always accepted fresh, while we were trying to brand it as a packaged product. Here, shelf life was a challenge since the packaging industry in India is so basic. The product had a very niche category and hence it would have taken at least 4-5 years to gain acceptance. And I couldn't wait that long to realise my efforts. So, I had to shut it. When you've just shut a business... you're trying not to start another. But I'm big fan of "Focus" which talks about how niche products can be scaled up. I took to reading autobiographies of how ventures like McDonalds and Walmart started off with a simple idea. If you're not exactly a Tata or an Ambani… …you have to have a product which has ready acceptance and then you provide a value-add as a differentiator in the market . And when I started Jumbo King, the product was already there in the market, we just gave a value for money offer with the size differentiator and some packaging modifications.

Source Economic Times : 26.09.2006

Does higher employee empowerment improve productivity?

I believe empowerment is a good thing as long as you don't empower just anyone for a particular position.

Some people are good at organizing and getting the job done, but they may not be effective at getting other employees motivated or in line with the company's goals.

Some people are excellent at employee retention because everyone they manage absolutely loves them. But is the work getting done? Or do they gain popularity through socializing? How many of the employees a company retains are actually working?

These are serious considerations for a company that wants to stay in business.

Eventually, the people who need to be empowered are the ones who have a gift for instilling a positive go-getting attitude in others, while maintaining an open door policy for those who need additional motivation and assistance in improving job skills so they can feel good about the quality of their work.

Managers who encourage new concepts and/or ideas in how the work gets done will be pleasantly surprised at the results.

I've worked for companies who only hire or promote people who "manage through intimidation".

Because of the fact that lesser jobs, requiring little or no experience, are easy to get employees are often treated like sheep.

Over time they start acting like sheep. Basically, they just shut down and do as they're told and hope that the next raise they get will cover the cost of living and the medical plans they chose.

They also lose hope of aspiring to the next level, too, and companies will lose alot of potentially good managers.

When that happens, you lose alot of the creativity that keeps a company strong. Eventually it will inhibit growth and the business will lose steam and credibility in its particular industry.



LINDA HALL
US